The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Who comes up with this shit?

Look, I like gardens as much as the next OAP, but to suggest I haven’t lived unless I’ve visited/seen 1001 of the bastards is pushing it a bit far.

No bloody wonder the book is on ’sale’ - I mean, the only people who could [1] spare the time and [2] give a damn, are so bloody old that they’ll be pushing up daisies before they even reach triple figures of the suggested garden safari.

What next?

1001 Socks You Must Wear Before You Die?
1001 Coffins To Try Before You Buy [Which Hopefully Is Before You Die?]
1001 Prostitutes To Get STD’s From Before You Die?

The only reason to buy this book is if a garden-loving enemy of yours is on their death bed - because as you hand it over, you know their last living thought will be …

“Bollocks, my life has been wasted because I’ve not seen 1001 beautiful gardens”.

If someone buys you this book, smash them over the head with it because they hate you. HATE YOU!

If the publishers really wanted this book to stand a chance at flying off the shelves, they should of done a maximum of 100 Gardens, not a thousand.

A hundred is still be a lot, but in the weird minds of the green-fingered community, it probably represents a number that can be more realistically achieved - though if I was the publisher, I’d of also created the ‘Bloomin’ Beautiful Garden Holiday Tour’ and get garden fanatics to pay to be taken to maybe 10 of the gardens over a 3 week period.

Not only would this let them see the gardening majesty in the flesh [so to speak], they’d also get to share their holiday with a bunch of like-minded individuals - swapping tips, making friends and getting inspired for when they get home.

I’ve looked at the pictures for bloody ages and have come to the only conclusion that the only difference is the one on the right [Doug] talks more sense.

Well, he does when he’s sober!

So I was thinking, given I’ve been told I look like some freak from Harry Potter [thanks NP] and I have claimed Charles and Russell, Jon and Vince and now Doug and Kevin are one and the same - who do you think you look like and provide photographic evidence so your delusions can be smashed into pieces.

Well it would seem that Toyota have been inspired with this approach because they’ve gone and made the volume control of their car stereos not go up to 10 … not even 11 … but ….

Talking of stupidity, have a look at their automatic gearbox.

Maybe they were adopting the same strategy as the QWERTY keyboard - trying to stop people accidently doing things that could damage the machine - but let me tell you it doesn’t work either practically or asthetically.

What’s going on with Toyota? Hell, the Japanese philosophy is ‘perfection’ so why they seem intent on letting the fuck-up fairy loose on all their hard work is beyond me.

No doubt some ‘business guru’ will claim they’re doing it because everything is too easy for them … but I’m not a business guru so I’ll just say it looks and performs like shit.

… but with so many creatives whining and whinging that too much scam won Cannes awards, it’s nice to know at least one real ad got the acclaim it deserves.

Funny how I suddenly think creative awards are soooooooo important now eh? Ha!

Well done to everyone … stand up, take a bow and negotiate a nice pay rise

[If you want to see the spot, click here]

… Iron Maiden’s Stranger In A Strange Land …

… Genesis’ Illegal Alien …

… even the Toy Doll’s Nelly The Elephant [don't ask] … but I don’t mean this in a bad way, just in a WHATTHEFUCKISGONGONANDHOWTHEHELLDIDITHAPPEN kinda way!